Edmonton on Thursday

The standard RWH Edmonton-related post usually ends up being nothing more than a vicious assault on the band Nickelback. Which Nickelback deserves for being unconscionable whores, but beating a deserving, unconscionably whorish dead horse is still just beating dead horse. There are plenty of other elements to Edmonton.

For instance, Edmonton lists Nashville among its four sister cities. Do your own math on that one.

But check this out! According to the interwebs, Edmonton claims the following film/tv personalities as native sons and daughters: parody legend Leslie Neilsen, philanthropist and hockey enthusiast Michael J. Fox, former Law and Order fox Jill Hennesey, lord of unintentional comedy Robert Goulet, and The Kids in Hall's hilarious Bruce McCullough.

It gets better.

Tommy m.f.ing Chong is from Edmonton! Those aren't oil wells burning off excess fumes, people. That is Tommy Chong smoking all of British Columbia's weed. And to think, all this time I thought his speech impediment was from being stoned to the gills.

Clean Hits, Dirty Hits, Fights, and Injustice

RWH isn't really a forum where league-wide hot-button issues are discussed. We're proudly and idiosyncratically Wings-oriented. However, a rock solid example of a teammate properly stepping in to defend a teammate occurred the other night. Here's the clip from the Flyers/Thrashers game:



Armstrong (Player A) took a run at Van Riemsdyk (Player B). It was a dirty and illegal hit, and appropriately, Asham (Player C) jumped in and regulated the infraction. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and if it is legislated out of the game, players will be at a higher risk for cheap shots. The sequence of events in the above video is well and good.

Additionally, in the next video below, we see Erik Cole (Player A) receive a clean and legal hit from Ian White (Player B).



Cole challenges White in retaliation for the hit on himself, they scrap it out, and head to their respective penalty boxes. There is no dirty and/or illegal contact, and therefore no necessity for hypothetical Player C to be involved. Again, all is well and good.

However, in way too many cases clean hits are followed by the infuriatingly predictable presence of Player C. As in the video below from this past season, wherein Phaneuf (Player A) lays a clean check on Sedin (Player B), and Bernier (Player C) ends up "coming to the aid of his teammate" in the words of the homer play-by-play guy:



All is not well and good.

What is Player C doing? He didn't get hit. If it's such a problem, why doesn't Player B sack up and address the issue? Maybe Player B shouldn't consider hockey as a long-term career option. Why does Player A even regard this as a legit confrontation? He didn't hit Player C. Why doesn't Player A just crosscheck Player Cs fucking teeth out? Someone needs to teach the Player Cs of the world that getting jumped for clean hits will get your Chiklets scattered across the ice.

Hmm, probably projecting a bit here...

Regardless, the Player Cs should get, at minimum, a ten-minute misconduct on top of whatever other penalties they incur in the course of the scrap. It's not as heinous an act as a third-man-in penalty, which receives an automatic game misconduct, but it certainly it can't be ignored. Five for fighting plus a ten-minute misconduct seems like a decent and equitable compromise.

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And speaking of some injustice that actually matters...

This has been one of the most-viewed vids on the interweb over the last week or so, probably because some quasi-nihilistic fuckfaces take some kind of sartorial joy in hearing this kid desperately shout "Don't tase me, bro!" as he is jackbooted by University of Florida police at a speaking function starring 2004 Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry:



What the fuck are U of F cops getting involved for in the first place? Are they worried that John Kerry, decorated Vietnam combat veteran, can't handle a pontificating college kid? Is this kid going to reveal classified state secrets he read in a best-selling journalistic account widely available to the American public? Is inconveniencing a functionary of state power a corporal offense?

I try and keep this forum clear of politics, but we're dealing with the same themes as during the G20 summit in Pittsburgh this summer: the criminalization of dissent, and the suppression of youth (and everyone else), and inability of our democracy to handle even the most trivial of speedbumps without resorting to crushing authoritarian gestures.

I mean, I think we've already clearly crossed over into V for Vendetta territory here, in which the government provides a relatively comfortable and somnolent society in exchange for the silent, obedient consent of its citizens, but seriously, was a college kid wearing Aeropostale fratwear going to single-handedly tear down the pillars of American democracy, or even one U of F lecture hall?

These assholes need to get the fuck out of my country.

Jersey Retirement Series, Part V

Part 5 of the Jersey Retirement Series...


Lidstrom is an automatic for jersey retirement. Let's take a look at why.

Here are the "averaged" accomplishments of Abel, Howe, Lindsay, Sawchuk, Delvecchio, and Yzerman:

• 90.8% of career games played in the Red Wings uniform.
• 3.33 Stanley Cups with the Wings. (If other Stanley Cups earned elsewhere or in off-ice positions with the team were included, this number would actually be 3.67.)
• 8.33 seasons serving as team captain.
• 4.67 major individual NHL trophies and/or awards.
• 11 All-Star appearances
• Induction to the Hockey Hall of Fame
• At minimum, a team ambassadorial role of significant tenure, though the four of six jersey retirees have held coaching or front office positions with the team in the post-playing career.

By comparison, how does Lidstrom stack up against those "averages"?

• 100% of career GP in Wings uniform. Exceeds jersey retirement standard.
• 4 Stanley Cups. Exceeds jersey retirement standard.
• 4 seasons as team captain. Does not meet jersey retirement standard...yet.
• 7 major individual awards. Exceeds jersey retirement standard.
• 10 All-Star appearances. Does not meet jersey retirement standard by one appearance.
• Induction to Hockey Hall of Fame. Lidstrom will have his jersey retired prior to his HHOF induction, just like Yzerman.
• Lidstrom has an unblemished record of community support.

Nicklas Lidstrom is a Renaissance defenseman, and has been for literal decades. The No. 5 will be heading skyward. The only question is, when?

Now, for the other possibility. Sergei Fedorov. I've made my case in the past that Fedorov, based on the totality of his NHL career, deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. But how does he stack up against the other jersey retirees?

• 73% of career GP as a Wing. Does not meet jersey retirement standard.
• 3 Stanley Cups. Does not meet jersey requirement standard.
• 0 seasons as team captain. Does not meet jersey requirement standard.
• 4 major individual awards. Meets jersey requirement standard.
• 6 All-Star appearances. Does not meet jersey requirement standard.
• Induction to the HHOF. I think it'll happen, but it won't be a unanimously acclaimed decision.
• Fedorov has a much more contested history with Wings fans and the city of Detroit. While a Wing, he founded the Fedorov Foundation to benefit charitable ventures in and around Hockeytown. On the flipside, he had a rather embarrassing DWI. In addition, there were numerous contract squabbles; the 1997-98 holdout and signed offer sheet from Carolina, and 2003 off-season free agent negotiations that eventually led to his defection to Anaheim. Recently, he has been critical of Scotty Bowman's deployment of the Russian Five and has otherwise been less than ambassadorial in his role as former Wing.

In conclusion, Fedorov doesn't make the cut. The Wings' jersey retirees represent generational hockey talent, an almost devotional respect to the concept of team achievement over individual recognition, and an conscientious awareness of personal conduct as a representative of the Red Wings organization and the Ilitch family. It is a nearly impossibly high standard, and as such, it is appropriate for the Detroit Red Wings hockey club.

My Life is Awesome

I was driving into Chicago yesterday afternoon, crawling through southside traffic on I-94, when I received this text message:

Come to goldstar lizzy is having a lingerie photo shoot.

Let me explain...

Lizzy is friend from college and International Hockeytown Underground stalwart, and now she lives in Chicago and runs an eco-friendly lingerie company called Urban Fox. Gold Star is a bar. The photo shoot required some non-descript dudes to act as bar patrons and move around when needed to better frame the shots of lingerie models. Basically I was paid in drinks to sit in a bar and laconically frolic with smoking hot underwear models.

So how did your Saturday get started?

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In other Michigan-related news, the new medical marijuana cultivation academy is operating in Southfield.

More on Defense...

With Kronwall out for 4-8 weeks and Lilja on IR while working through some chiropractic sorcery, Ken Holland has said that, again, no trades are forthcoming, and reinforcements will not be called in from Grand Rapids. The Wings are going to plug Derek Meech into the top six and visualize success. If, by some stroke of misfortune, the Wings need another blueline body, Doug Janik will likely get tapped to move up to the big club, as he is currently leading Griffins defenders with an offensive line of 3-9-12 with a +8 in 18 games.

That's the plan for this year.

Next year, it's going to be a different story. Jakub Kindl, 19th overall selection in the 2005 draft, will be out of minor league options. He'll get the Jimmy Howard trial-by-fire treatment. Kindl is in his fourth season in GR, and has gone 1-9-10 with a +3 in 16 games thus far. He is overripe, the way Ken Holland likes it. He is one of five first-rounders from the 2005 NHL draft who has yet to play an NHL regular season contest, and by the looks of it, the last one with a legitimate NHL shot. (The other four? Two ECHL prospects, one in the Czech Republic, one in the KHL.) Of course, 2005 was the Crosby draft, but the top defensive prospects with which Kindl was rated were guys like Jack Johnson, Marc Staal, and the late Luc Bourdon.

The table is set for Kindl to come in as a stud next year. Here's to hoping everything goes according to plan.

Chelios?

Gobble Gobble Hey, people. Happy Thanksgiving from the RWH clan.

On the drive up to Traverse City from Chicago, I received a text from Dave in DC:

Random silly thought. With Kronwall out, do the Wings sign Chelios?

Huh. Interesting idea. In the end, it won't happen. The Wings' managerial approach with respect to player personnel is very oriented towards the clean break. No ambiguities.

Unless, of course, you are a veteran netminder who is willing to sign for below market value, as was the case with Hasek's return and continues to be the case with Osgood.

I fully submit that this explains neither Bertuzzi or Williams. They may be the exceptions that prove the rule. But Chelios won't be signed. Ken Holland was fairly definitive with his language when he announced the Wings were not interested in pursuing a contract with Cheli in the off-season. I can't think of a time when Holland has ever back-pedaled from a public statement.

Laraque on Kronwall

Georges Laraque should die of gonaherpesyphilaids. I will gladly pay an ex-con to rape that into his skull.

Let me back up.

I understand where Laraque was coming from when he stuck out his knee. He was in the process of being danced around by a superior player, and did not want to put his team in position to immediately surrender a goal. I get it. I've done similar stuff myself, and hell, I've spent the last couple of weeks telling people that they were totally overreacting to the actions of that New Mexico women's soccer player. There are always going to be marginal-to-dirty plays in athletics, and frankly I enjoyed navigating the gray areas of the game as much as anyone when I was a player.

But I never stuck out a knee.

While I beleive that Laraque did not have a clear intent to injure on the play, Laraque isn't a moron. There are only two outcomes of knee-on-knee hits; "injured on the play" and "narrowly avoided injury". That's it. He knows it. And he still stuck out his knee.

Laraque has the audacity to claim that his innocence was validated because the refs gave him a two-minute tripping penalty instead of a major/match penalty, but that argument would only hold water if NHL officiating was consistently competent instead of evolving into a facsimile of the gutless amateurism of NBA officiating. (Bettman conspiracy people have another magic bullet in their gun.)

You just don't stick out knees. It's too dangerous, and it's downright disrespectful to your colleagues. If you want to trip a guy, use your stick and yank his legs out. How many guys have ever been injured on routine stick-tripping infractions? And trust me, I hate talking about issues of "respect" in player conduct more than anyone else in the world, but there is just no other avenue for discussion on this one.

So, Georges Laraque, you're getting suspended. Doesn't matter how many games you get. Doesn't matter if you apologize. Whatever you serve or say, you're going to end up the victim of a hate crime. And not one of those racially-motivated prosecutable hate crimes, but the kind of on-ice assault based in principle, and in the violation of principle.

Good luck with that.

Jersey Retirement Series, Part IV

Part 4 of the Jersey Retirement Series. The hardest one to write...


When I initially conceived of this Jersey Retirement Series thing, I had in mind a kind of unequivocal line-in-the-sand demarcation of which Wings would have their jersey retired and which would not. It wasn't supposed to be a subjective thing at all. Instead, it was intended to be a demonstration of how high a standard had been set for jersey retirement by the gentlemen-athletes who had already been conferred that honor, and how difficult it would be for contemporary players to attain that formidable level of acclaim.

But it turns out there is fourth category. Wings who should have had the chance to earn that honor.

It's a one-man category occupied in its entirety by Vladimir Konstantinov.

On paper, Konstantinov doesn't compare to the six individuals who have had their sweaters taken to the sky. While Vladi played 100% of his 446 career games and won one Stanley Cup with the Winged Wheel on his chest, he never served as captain, never won an individual award (one Norris runner-up), and made only one All-Star appearance. In the context of objective statisical breakdowns of achievement, he doesn't make the cut.

But part of the deal with team jersey retirements is that it is largely an affair of the heart. Wings fans loved Vladi as a player, and continue to scream their throats raw any time he takes the ice for ceremonies and such. While Vladi doesn't have the stats, he certainly has the sentiment.

In the end, Vladi won't have his jersey formally retired by the Wings. He might have something even more admirable.

When Brett Hull came to the Wings, he had worn the number 16 with both the Blues and Stars, when he scored a megaton of goals and won a Cup. He could have arguably made the claim that he was wearing Vladi's number in tribute. But he didn't. The power of the Konstantinov mystique and the sense of terrible admiration it provoked in his contemporaries prevented him from even considering it as an option in any public way. Let me repeat, Brett Hull's respect for the Konstantinov legacy in Detroit was of greater magnitude than Brett Hull's ego and ambition for recognition.

Vladi's #16 might never hit the rafters. But it won't have to. No one will step to that sweater. Konstantinov did not have the opportunity to prove his status within the historical Wings community in terms of career accomplishments, but in his service to the Wings he did something that is in some way even more rare and profound: Vladimir Konstantinov rendered his jersey unfuckwithable.

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Meanwhile, another pro hockey columnist makes the argument for the Wings to retire Shanny's #14.